If Convenient
by Queerasil
Summary: Sergeant Greg Lestrade is hopelessly out of his league on every case that comes across his desk. With his marriage and career on the brink, he fears he might lose everything. That is, until a certain Consulting Addict starts texting him the answers to every case. Because nothing else matters when you've got a phone and a friend. Set pre-series. Told entirely in texts. Mystrade.
1. 1: Beginnings

I'm surprised at you, Sergeant. This case seems rather dull, and still you've managed to kill your career with it. SH  
What? Look, mate, you must have the wrong number. L  
If you're interested, it was Mark, the plumber. You can let Jose go (he's useless). SH  
What? Who are you? L  
An interested party. SH  
Text me later when you realize how right I am. - SH

Hell. You were right. L  
You seem surprised. SH  
You seem offended. L  
Touché. SH  
How did you know? L  
That you were surprised? SH  
No. The case. How did you know it was Mark who killed Travers? L  
Painfully obvious. SH  
Why don't you explain it to me, Sergeant. See if you can wrap your little head around it. SH  
Uh. L  
Motive. L  
Sigh. SH  
Oh, shut up. L  
Mark killed Travers because of the money, right? L  
Wrong. SH  
Then what? L  
Car. The car. Mark killed him because of the car. SH  
What's so special about the bloody car? L  
It's not about the care, Sergeant... SH  
Uh. You're slower than even I had anticipated. SH  
It's about what's inside the car. SH

Stunned silence is to be expected. SH  
Text me when you find it. SH

There's a body in the car. L  
Very good. It would have been... disappointing, to say the least, if you missed that. SH  
Travers was a cover up to distract us from finding the other body. L  
Bloody hell. L  
Clever, isn't it? SH  
Clever? L  
Yes. I do hold a certain admiration for the criminal classes. SH  
All thought - to be far - there are a thousand better places to hide a body than a car. SH  
You think about this too much. L  
On the contrary, I think about it just enough. SH  
How did you know? L  
Boring. Tedious. Mediocre. Boring. Boring. Boring. I'm surprised every you lot didn't get it. SH  
Thanks for that. So how did you know it was Mark? L  
What makes you think I'm going to explain anything to you? SH  
Well, you seem like kind of a pompous ass to me. I mean, you texted a police officer that you solved a murder, so you've got to be arrogant and eager to please. L  
Nicely observed. SH  
Droplets. SH  
Or rather, the lack of droplets. SH  
Pardon? L  
The lack of water droplets on the Travers'. It rained Monday. If the body was outside, it would've gotten damp, but it didn't, which indicated that it was inside. The house was searched, but the car had been reported stolen Monday, by Mark. The criminal successfully made Travers' death look like the byproduct of a carjacking gone wrong. SH  
Still don't understand. L  
God, you are thick. SH  
Travers' body was hidden in the car before it was stolen. That's why it was dry. Do you get it yet?  
Brilliant! Absolutely bloody brilliant! L  
Sarcasm? SH  
No. Seriously. Genius. Why didn't I think of that? L  
Perhaps it's because you're an idiot. SH  
Insult me all you like, but I feel great. My superiors will be pleased someone managed to crack this thing. L  
But you won't get that promotion, even with this. No... It'd take at least seven perfectly solved cases to even turn their attention towards you at all, and that's what you want, isn't it, Sergeant? SH  
What are you getting at? L  
You know precisely what I'm saying. You think that if you get the big job, the big pay-raise, that you can keep your wife from leaving. Unfortunately you're right. She is that petty. The only way you're going to keep her is if you become a Detective Inspector. SH  
And for that you need my help. SH  
What makes you think I'm not capable of solving cases on my own? L  
... SH  
What exactly are you suggesting? L  
Simple. You give me an all-access pass to any case I ask, and I solve it for you. SH  
And how much would this little deal of ours cost? L  
Nothing. SH  
Nothing? L  
Justice; free of charge. SH  
You don't want anything? L  
Nope. SH  
Why? L  
Bored. SH  
Deal. L  
Excellent. SH


	2. 2: One Truth and Three Lies

Lone me 500 quid? V

Piss off, Victor. SH

Aw, come on! Don't get on my ass like that! It was supposed to be a joke! V

You sold me out to the cops. SH

Didn't say it was a good joke... V

Please... V

Come on... V

You know I haven't got any money. SH

No, but your brother does. V

Mycroft and I have been at each other's throats for ages. What makes you think he's lend me as much as a pence? SH

Oh, you're so cute when you're confused. V

Sherlock, my dear, you don't really have to ask him if you can have the money. V

Just sneak into his house and knick something. It doesn't matter what. The way you talk about him makes it sound like his toilet paper's made of fucking gold. V

Do it or else I'll do it. V

And you know about my nasty habit of getting my hands dirty when I work. V

Fine. SH

Raz, Seb, and I are going to the club tonight. You'd better be there. We need your expertise to tell us if any of the chicks are really dudes. V

Fine. SH

Hello, brother dear. SH

You know I prefer to talk. MH

Like I give a damn. SH

You're lucky I'm talking to you at all. MH

Yes, lucky me! Big brother's finally paying attention to me! SH

It really is my dearest ambition to get your attention, big brother. SH

I need 500 quid. SH

No. MH

Let me rephrase that: I need 500 quid, or else someone is going to break into your house and injure you and/or steal your golden toilet paper. SH

Not giving me much of a choice, are you? MH

Not really, no. SH

Check yourself into rehab, and I'll lone you the money. MH

Somehow, that sounds less appealing than the idea of you being bludgeoned to death by ruthless thugs. SH

I'll do it. I'll go to rehab. Now lend me the money. SH

Lie number one, little brother. And you didn't even try, did you? Disappointing. MH

Fine. I'll figure it out. I always was the smart one. SH

Lie number two. MH

I hate you. SH

Lie number three. MH

I sold my violin, just in case you're interested. SH

Finally, a truth. MH

*Note: Mycroft totally both Sherlock that violin as a present. This isn't the first time Sherlock has so,d it to spite his brother. :P


	3. 3:

Meet me at Speedy's. SH

Why? L

Fine. L

Ya prick. L

Where are you? L

Are you the funny old woman in the hat? L

Please don't be the funny old woman in the hat. L

I have a murder to solve. I can't waste my time on this. L

I'm there, Sergeant. SH

Where? I can't see you. L

No, but I can see you. SH

Well that's disturbing. You aren't going to come out and place, then? L

Social things aren't really my area. SH

Oh, right. Let me guess: You're just an anonymously creepy crime-solving-machine. L

Moving on. SH

In a few moments the waiter is going to bring you a file, and you're going to give him twenty-pounds. SH

Understand? SH

What's in the file? L

Open it and find out. SH

A cold case? Sarah Ipswitch's case? L

Yes. If you'll notice the cause of death. SH

She was shot. Plenty of people get shot. Nothing particularly special about that. L

Yes, but not many people get shot in the wrist, hung upside down and bled out. SH

Oh blimey. I didn't think of that. L

You didn't think it was odd that she bled to death from being shot in the wrist? SH

Not really. She was a tramp, an addict. Popular theory at the Yard is that she was killed by her dealer, but we never could find any evidence. L

But being hung upside down? Bloody hell, that's something completely different. L

Why are you showing me this? L

Bears a remarkable resemblance to the case you're working on now, doesn't it? A homeless man, found hanging upside down with his wrists slit. SH

What are you thinking? That the crimes are connected? That the same person committed them? L

That it's a serial killer? A gang? A cartel? L

I've got a few theories bouncing around, but to get anything concrete, I'll need the first victim's complete, official file. SH

Course. Anything I can do to help. How do I get it to you? L

Bring it back to Speedy's and leave it with the cashier. SH

Don't just sit there, go on. Go and fetch it. SH

I'm not your dog. L

That's debatable. Off you pop. SH

By the way: Keep me a secret. No one needs to know about Sergeant's Little Helper. SH

There isn't a chance you're committing these crimes, is there? L

Maybe. SH

Maybe? L

Meh. SH

That's not very reassuring. L

You want reassuring? SH

Fine. I'm a kindergarden teacher who just happens to spend all my free time exploring the wonderful world of brutal crime, all in the hope that one day I'll be able to write a successful children's book about murder. SH

Jesus, I hope you're joking. L

I'm going to call it "Meow Meow's Revenge". SH

R-rated. SH

God help me. L

Have you got the file? L

Course. SH

Theories? L

132 at the moment. SH

Narrow it down a bit. L

Uh... 51. Excluding the truly bizarre ones. SH

Bit more. L

17. SH

More. L

3. SH

Better. Run 'em by me. L

Can't. Would take me hours of tedious texting to properly explain. SH

Give me the gist of it. L

Can't give you the "gist" of brilliance. SH

Git. L

How the hell do you expect me to investigate it, then? L

That's the best part of this little arrangement. I do all my investigating as well. You just supply me with information and I do the rest. You can go back to your family, or your guitar playing, or whatever else it is you do in your free time. SH

How'd you know I play guitar? L

Dull. Your thumbs. SH

You've been looking at my thumbs. L

Obvious. SH

That means you've been close enough to me to see my thumbs. L

Which means I've seen you before, once, at least. L

Which means I know what you look like. L

Who's speechless now? L


	4. 4

Why aren't you at the club 2nite? IT is POPPIN'. Seb

How high are you, Seb? SH

I am exactly as high as you should be. Seb

HAAA! Seb

Victor got some of this good Portuguese stuff. It'll lift you right out of your shoes. Seb

He's giving away free samples! Seb

Freak, you're missing out! Seb

Whatever. I can only hope you paid Victor. Seb'

The money might have gotten a little... dirty on the way there, but he got it. SH

Oh, Sherly girly, you didn't betray our friend, did you? Seb

Our benefactor wouldn't be very please with that, would he? Seb

Ts ts ts. Seb

He's got the money, that's all that's important. SH

Yeah, but it'd make such a good story if you told me how you got it. Seb

Not very exciting. I sold my violin. SH

You got 500 quid for that? Seb

It might have contained something very valuable... SH

A certain ITEM we all share a proclivity for. SH

Hint. Hint. Hint. SH

Oh, you didn't. Seb

Victor is going to kill you. Seb

Probably. That is rather the point. SH


	5. 5

Gotcha. L

Sherlock Holmes. L

I knew I recognized your pompous speech pattern. L

Also explains why this case interests you so much. L

With you being an addict and all. L

Knew there was more to you than meets the eye when I arrested you last week. L

There was just this air of pretentiousness around you. L

Like a fog of jackassness consuming you. L

I don't know what you're so damn stuck-up about, though. L

You seemed just like a regular junkie to me. L

Kind of boring. L

Fine. Ignore me. L

I've got better things to do. SH

Like shoot up? L

I'm preventing another murder - in case you're interested. SH

How can you do that when you've got a needle stuck in your arm and you can't even stand up straight? L

Like you're more competent after you've been drinking. I get high a lot less than you get drunk. I only get high when I'm bored. You only get drunk when you can. SH

I have a home. I have a wife who loves me. I have a daughter who gives me a hug every time she sees me. Your own brother would come pick you up from the slammer, and you had to spend a night in a cell at Scotland Yard, detoxing. In case you forgot. L

You have a rented apartment in the Strand, it's hardly heaven. Your wife is having an affair with your daughter's P.E. teacher, and your daughter only gives you hugs so she can steal your wallet. SH

Face it, Sergeant. You're alone. Just like me. SH

Piss off. L

Maybe I will, and leave the next victim to die in the process? While you were drowning your petty woes in a bottle of bourbon, this "junkie" has figured out who the murderer is. SH

In case you're interested. SH

What can I do to help? L


	6. 6

So let me get this straight. Victor is the killer. L

Yup. SH

And knowing this - that Victor is a psychopath, hell bent on killing you - you don't feel any hesitation at all towards being used as bait to trap him? L

Not really, no. SH

I'm a selfless hero. SH

You're an idiot, that's what you are. L

You should know. SH

:P SH

You've bloody done it now. Seb

Yep, he's pissed. Seb

You're next. Seb

Nice knowing you, mate. Seb

Almost ready? L

About. He's getting cocky. SH

Monologuing. Tedious. Just string me up already! SH

Idiot doesn't realize how easy it is for me to text behind my back. What does he think I'm doing, playing Tetris? SH

Stop joking around. L

We're waiting for the signal. L

Sherlock? L

Is it time? L

We're going in. L


	7. 7

I'm sorry. L

Don't be. SH

Why? L

He was a bad man. SH

He was your friend. L

Same thing. SH

You had no other choice. SH

Him or me. SH

Surprisingly pleased you picked the latter. SH

It's a tricky thing. SH

Friends. SH

I've never really understood the concept. SH

Obviously. SH

Look, if you need anything, just contact me, okay? I'll help out anyway I can. L

What makes you think you can help? SH

Do you have drugs? SH

Can you magically heal people with your touch? SH

No. You're useless. SH

I dunno. But there's nothing a good friend and a phone can't fix. L

Now you're just being sentimental. SH

Do you consider me your friend? SH

Of course. L

Oh, dull. SH

I'd hoped you wouldn't be so predictable. SH

Though you're a damn good shot, I'll give you that. SH

How's that nick on your arm healing? L

Fine. Just a scratch. Seems Victor was a bit sympathetic when it came to giving me my "fatal" wound. SH

Sentiment. Yuck. SH

Although, I wish it was dire enough to require pain meds. SH

Now you're just being a shit head. L

Thank you for solving the case. L

Go away, I'm sulking. SH

I'm sorry. SH

For what? L

What I said earlier. SH

To be more specific: what I said about your disastrous home life and your drinking habit. We all have our vices. SH

You would know, wouldn't you. Maybe we can kick our habits together? L

No. SH

I can't have a junkie on as a consultant. L

You don't need to have me ON as a consultant, you just need to let me consult. SH

I would be breaking all the rules. L

You would be saving lives. SH

Isn't that what you people would call a worthy exchange? SH

"You people"? L

Yes. People like you, who value truth and justice above all. SH

I suppose, yes. L

So then, isn't it logical to let me save lives? SH

Yes. But I'm concerned about you. L

Your solve rate isn't conditional on my health. SH

I'm not talking about the solve rate, Sherlock. I'm talking about you. L

Dull. SH

You think that YOU'RE dull? L

YOU? L

I WISH YOU WERE DULL. L

IT WOULD MAKE ME LIFE EASIER. L

YOU, SHERLOCK HOLMES, ARE SPECTACULAR. L

Obvious. SH

Congrats on your newfound Detective Inspectorness. SH


	8. 8

Where the hell are you? SD

Vacation. L

You didn't tell anyone. SD

Secret vacation. L

Shhhhhh. L

I need you to do me a favor. L

What? Feel your fish? Get the paper while you're away? SD

No. I just need you to drop something off for me. L

What? SD

Case file for the Claire case. Give it to the cashier of a little cafe named Speedy's on Baker St. L

Fine. But you're paying me over time for this, Detective Inspector. SD

He's cute. SD

Who? L

The cashier. SD

Really? What did he look like? L

Sort of lanky. Pale, and a little bit creepy. Vertical cheekbones. Looks like a magazine model. SD

Oh, that would be Sherlock. L

Be nice to him, okay? L

Why? Can't he handle himself? SD

That's debatable. L

Try not to break him. L

Can you give me his number? SD

Hi. SD

This is sort of awkward, but DI Lestrade gave me your number, and I was wondering if you might want to so out sometime. SD

Out? SH

I don't understand? SH

Coffee, or dinner - if that's not too forward. SD

With me. SD

On a date. SD

With me. SD

Why? SH

You're cute. SD

That's a poor reason to spend money on someone. SH

Is this your attempt at eliciting me for sex? SH

God, no. I'm not that forward. SD

Than I don't understand what the point of going "out" is. SH

We can talk. Maybe we'll get to like each other. SD

Statically unlikely. SH

Fine. SH


	9. 9

You went on a date with Donovan? L

Yes. SH

Why? L

Scientific curiosity. SH

Oh, no. L

How did it go? L

Apparently very well. SH

Apparently? L

I'm not an expert, but the evening didn't end with her slapping me, so I'd say it went okay. SH

Well, that's good! Are you going to see her again? L

Perhaps. SH

I need more data. SH

Do I wanna know? L

Possibly. SH

Good work solving the Hutchinson case! SD

I can't believe how fast you solved it! SD

Honestly, it was amazing. SD

Thank you. SH

Incredible. You're like some kind of crime-solving freak or something. SD

Is that a bad thing? SH

No! That's incredible! You're really amazing. SD

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight? SH

At a restaurant. SH

I'll pay. SH

Of course! SD

Experiment over. SH

Was it a success or a failure? L

Fail. SH

Shit, what happened. L

Do you really want to know? SH

No. But you're going to tell me anyway. L

Why? SH

Because it's just so very you. L

We had a minor disagreement. SH

About what? L

Toes in the fridge. SH

In all fairness, I told her not to open the door. L

I have so many questions. So many, very many, very important questions. The most important of which is: Sherlock, why? L

Science. SH

Oh, well that makes it okay then. L

I'm glad you understand me. SH

Sarcasm, Sherlock. L

Apologize. L

No. SH

Then she'll hate you forever. L

Fine. I didn't particularly like her anyway. SH

We both know that's a lie. L

You liked her, in your own weird, Sherlocky way. L

I respect her, certainly. But no, I didn't 'like' her. SH

Even if I did like her, I'm not good enough for her. SH

Freak. SD


	10. 10

Decapitation at Wilverton hotel. I think you'll like it. L

Send pictures. SH

Not coming. SH

Why? L

Busy. SH

With what? L

Family matters. SH

Stop acting like a child and come back inside. MH

You've upset Mummy. MH

It isn't the first time. SH

And it won't be the last, I'm sure, but for the time being, try not to consolidate the damage you cause. MH

We both know that my presence can only make things worse. SH

You're better off without me. SH

That may be true, but you're my little brother, so get your ostentatious ass back here before I have you thrown in the Tower of London. MH

Family matters? L

Regrettably, yes. SH

You've got a family? L

Yes. That blimp-like, crooked-nosed, umbrella-wielding bastard who bailed me out of jail. SH

What, is he your brother? L

Yep. SH

Ah, so the pomp is genetic, isn't it? You come from a long line of jerks. L

Basically. SH

That about sums it up. SH

Delightful. Just what we need: more of you. L

There is a car waiting outside your flat. I suggest you get inside it. MH

Don't bother taking your gun or your police badge. MH

What? Who are you? Is this a threat? L

Only if you don't get in the car, Detective Inspector Lestrade. MH

What the hell is this about? L

Who else. MH

My brother. MH

Fine. L

In case you're interested, I've solved the decapitation case. SH

Not going to asks me how I did it? SH

Not going to listen as I brilliantly flaunt my genius in your face? SH

It was the gardener. SH

Go arrest him now. SH

Not that I'm trying to tell you how to do your job or anything. SH

But go arrest him. SH


	11. Chapter 11

I've just been kidnapped by your brother. L

He told me not to talk to you. L

And yet here you are. SH

Here I am. L

He told me not to indulge you. L

But you arrested the gardener, nonetheless. SH

Yes, of course we arrested him. He was a murderer, after all. L

A junkie told you he was a murderer. A junkie who didn't even go to the crime scene. A junkie who looked at no evidence, made no investigation, who simply texted you with no explanation. SH

Yeah? Your point? L

You believed me. SH

Of course. L

Why? SH

I trust you. L

What a stupid answer. SH

Why do you have to scare away all my friends? SH

Sherlock, do you remember who your last friend was? MH

I'll refresh your memory, then. Victor, the serial killer. Victor, the drug-dealing, money-stealing, serial killer. MH

It's your fault for never letting me play with other kids. SH

Sherlock, I'm not sure other children would have survived playing with you. MH

Keep an eye on him, Inspector. MH

Sherlock? Why? He seems like he can take care of himself pretty well. L

He's an utter fool. MH

I suppose you would be the expert in that, then... L

My ego is shattered, Inspector. MH

Just watch him, please. MH

Why? L

He's always been fragile. MH

Try not to break him. MH


	12. 12

You may want to check in on my little brother, Inspector. MH

Why? L

Hello? L

You there? L

Rude. L

I've got a new case and I'm ordering takeout. Interested? L

What? You want to spend time with me? Why? SH

All part of my evil plan. L

Okay, you got me. L

I'm using this murder as a thinly veiled pretense to get takeout with you. It's brilliant. The crime of the bloody century. L

Seriously. Why? SH

Maybe I just want to spend time with you? L

No. What is it really? SH

Really, that's it. L

Okay. L

I might be a bit lonely. L

And I know that you're a bit lonely too. L

I didn't have your pegged as a sentimentalist, Inspector. SH

It is possible for you to be wrong, you know. L

Evidently. L

Hyde park. 15 minutes. You'll see me. SH

It's 11 at night. L

All the more reason to be outside. SH

I'll bring the forks. SH

At your flat. L

With a team. L

Conducting a bust. L

Ya idiot. L

We found it. L


	13. 13

This is agony. SH

Relax. It's just a meeting. L

Drama queen. L

I am not a drama queen. SH

I blame you for this. SH

Well, it's your fault for having all those damn drugs in your flat. L

Where was I supposed to put them! SH

Fine. I'll hide them in your flat next time. SH

Don't you dare. L

Do you understand how much trouble I'm in because of you? L

A mild amount, I imagine. SH

You have to solve at least 20 cases to make up for this. L

Make a tempting offer like that and I might have to misplace my stash more often. SH

You need to talk to your brother. L

He's driving me up the wall. L

And it takes every once of my strength not to punch him in the face. L

What exactly do you want me to do, Inspector? He won't listen to me. MH

Then who will he listen to? L

Mummy. MH

That was low, Mycroft, even for you. SH

We have to find someway to stop this. L

I agree. MH

What do we do? L

Give him an ultimatum. Either the drugs go or the cases go. MH

You can't do that to him. L

He's doing it to himself, Inspector. MH

My brother always has been a martyr for a lost cause. MH

No. SH


End file.
